This seems like a pretty adequate way to begin my blog-experience… nothing says “blog” like an overlylong, unnecessary rant, especially one on the topic of the much-debated Twilight Saga. I think my opinion of the series in general is quite clear…
So this started as a FB status update but then I just kept bitching and decided that a note was required to suitably express my pointless and somewhat inane tirade. So anyways, surprisingly, Eclipse was not as bad as expected. Although admittedly, my pre-viewing expectations for the film were below zero. Like, as in sub-basement level. Really, I went for the promos (which, sadly, were a bit disappointing) and the popcorn (satisfactory, if short-lived). But, the movie wasn’t totally hideous. Though my eyeballs do feel a little sore from all the rolling they did. At least there wasn’t a woman making orgasm noises behind us at every appearance of Edward or Jacob, like there was when we saw New Moon. A couple of gasps and squeals here and there, but thankfully not enough for me to want to rip their voiceboxes out.
So, as I already knew from prior knowledge of the storylines- I hated vast segments of the book- parts DID make me want to shoot myself, and then shoot everybody else in the theatre as well. And seriously, if I (I wish I could italicise that ‘I’) notice that acting is poor, then it really must be downright bad. But, to be fair, that was only in one or two scenes (Robert Pattinson, I’m looking at you! Cedric would be ashamed!). Anyways, so Bella was just as much the fickle slut she had been in the book. Too harsh? Yeah, probably. At least at the ending they sort of gave a reasonable explanation for her slutty “oh I love you now. But wait, I still love him too. Oh, darn. Threesome??” actions. I can’t remember what the explanation was exactly, but hey, it worked for me.
The whole Team Edward/Team Jacob thing is ridiculous. The books had me firmly on the Team Edward side, but the movies have kindly made it easy for me to dislike them both. A guy in the row behind me (yes, a person with testicles) appeared to be on the Edward side, because after one particularly enthusiastic Bella/Edward kiss, he summed the intense conflicting emotions of the scene with a loud “Wooow.” But honestly, the true highlights of the film were the DADS. Charlie and his awkwardness always equals hilarity, hence why he is one of the characters I like most. Okay, okay, one of the characters I don’t despise. And Carlisle, or sexy Dr McSparkly, made the entire film worthwhile. Damn, he is one sexy fish. I would totally go there. No hesitation. And no, I don’t have a “thing” for dads in general. Well… older men, yes. But that’s totally irrelavent.
Anyways, another highlight of the film wasn’t the film at all. No, it took the form of two young Gangsta-wannabe boys, who snuck in midway through and sat at the very front, annoying everyone with their douschebaggery. One other sexually-ambiguous viewer (seriously, who wears their hood up when inside? I am led to think it was a young man afraid to reveal his passion for the Twilight Saga and in doing so, completely obliterate his masculinity) sitting alone in the same row finally tired of the duo’s douschebaggery, throwing an empty cup at them. They returned fire, squealing outrage in their squeaky, pre-pubescent voices. I half expected them to turn into mangy wolf cubs and attack the he/she, who would in turn reveal red eyes and hiss like a rabid cat. Unfortunately, this did not occur, and I was forced to look back to the film in search of entertainment.
(I did not find it. Maybe Wally has it, I can never find that guy…)
Anyway, the incident did seem to have discouraged the pair, because their (what’s another word for douschebaggery?? I don’t want to use it a third time…) ceased almost completely from that point.
You may notice that in the entirety of these ramblings that I have said very little about what actually happens in the film. It is not, as you might think, to protect the Eclipse-virginity (ah dear, that word brings to mind the cringe-pinnacle of the already cringeworthy film, a little chat between Bella and Charlie that makes my head hurt with the memory of it) of whoever bothered to read this- in actual fact, I have simply forgotten most of the film already. I mean, there were some vamps, and there was Bella trying to have some sexy time with Edward, and then there were more vamps, then Jacob was trying to have some sexy time with Bella, and then there were wolves and vamps. That’s about all I got.
One final parting note: I would like to remind you that THERE IS STILL ONE MORE. In fact, they’ll probably stretch it out into TWO. If you begin to feel suicidal urges, please seek help immediately. I would recommend seeing a professional, such as Buffy.
May your sun never be eclipsed.